But the hardest struggle you've never wanted to endure is finding a decent apartment in the city. And finding the perfect apartment? That could and usually does, take years. And just like dating, you'll have to cycle through a parade of losers. Not to mention the potential broker fees, crazy roommate situations, infestations, loony neighbors, building decay, and landlord requirements that are just...violating.
When I moved to Manhattan in the late 90's, my first share was with a dear friend and his then boyfriend on the Upper West Side. I had the couch, they had the bedroom. My memory is spotty, I think it faced the park. The first day I arrived, a mangy guy with crazy eyes tried to follow me into the building. The building entrance had two doors; One unsecured door opening into a small vestibule with access to the door buzzers, and the other a secured door with a standard key entry. Anyhow, the guy makes it through the first door as I'm shutting the second door. Of course the door is slow to close and he manages to hook a few of his dirty fingers around the edge of the door. Naturally, we begin to struggle-me to close the door, he to pry it open. After several seconds of exertion, both of us had the first traces of sweat on our brows. Fear brings out the nonsense in me so I found myself saying, "Take your hands off the door. I've just had a giant pile of Meth on the plane and I'm preparted to 1. Outlast you with my super-human strength and 2. When you're subdued I will chop off your fingers, paint little faces on them, and make a collage. Unfortunately, he didn't speak any english. But luckily, a neighbor came out and the man let go and ran away.
So began my apartment adventures. Since living here I've moved almost a dozen times. I can now say I have finally found a decent apartment. Here's some of the past highlights:
1. Upper West Side flat #2: Living with foreign exchange student who inhabits the sleeping loft. She is prolific when it comes to bedding the locals. Tonight she brought a large man home from Washington Square Park. All I got from the park was a scrape and the usual embarassment after attempting to roller skate. It's 3 a.m. and he's just come into my room thinking it's the bathroom. Oh how thoughtful, he's just begun peeing on my laundry.
2. Lower East Side #1: Never sublet from a white guy who wears a turban or has dreadlocks. No good can come of it! The rent is super cheap. Why? Today I woke up to a sea of mice rippling and churning around my bed. I can hear their little claws scraping across the floor. I wonder if I can catapult myself into the shower without touching the ground. It isn't that far away, being in the kitchen. Marvelous. Just fell down the crooked stairs and snapped off one of my frankenstein heels. But goody, the squatters across the street are setting the trash on fire again.
3. Lower East Side #2: This roommate might have a drug problem. Nobody is this clean. Puerto Rican neighbors are hilarious. Ernie has a girlfriend named Chichi. She's the most overweight Chihuahua I've ever seen. Next door neighbor practices a "sexy dance" in his window before he goes to bed every night. I think the best part is his serious facial expressions-so much concentration.
4. Nolita: Everyone outside looks like they've either gotten, or are about to catch The Clap. Life is the most disgusting club in the city. Couch surfing again.
5. Christopher Street: Not a lot of foreshadowing needed when there's a porn shop on the first floor of your building. Strangest roommates ever. Neither one quite right in the head, possibly sociopathic. Oh well, the rent is cheap. Thanks for the memories. Bed bug infestation makes it impossible to ever sleep with the lights off again.
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