Chapter 1: My Cherie Amour, Le Subway

I'm one of those people who likes riding the subway. No, I shouldn't say likes, I should say loves...Like a dog loves humping inanimate objects-like a homely, single woman loves poorly written romantic fiction-like a politician loves a call girl...you get the idea. I assume people spend a fair amount of their lives commuting to and from work. I never dwelt on it; Always driving a car back and forth, with maybe an occasional bus ride. But all that changed when I moved to New York.

My first subway ride (circa late 1990's) was on the C train. My first apartment share was on 110th and CPW. Going on my first ride was like a first date. Nervous sweating, furtive eye movement, vascillating on just how much personal history revision I will be selling, and of course-planning a exit strategy in case he turns out to be a psycho or worse, boring. Here's the part where most women would liken a subway ride to a bad sexual experience: No one looks you in the eye, there's a lot of exaggerated shakin' going on, but the duration of the ride is short, anticlimactic, and utimately leaves you feeling complacent.

But what can I say, I find entertainment in unusual places. And invariably, atypical and unexpected things or people find me. So, I began to scribble down the best experiences. Now I have some greatest "hits". I'm going to imagine the Solid Gold dancers perform a dance reactment for each one. Yes, let's make it fancy.

From my notes...

1. I met a man on the Subway this morning who gave Satan a black eye. I was like, "How could you tell? Isn't Satan's skin red?" And he said, "I could tell man, his big eye was squinty after I hit him." Clearly he was not using a metaphor to describe his battle with temptation-he had a real life battle royale.

2. Thank you A train for not disappointing me on my birthday. Two things...1. I watched a man eat the biggest piece of cheese I've seen outside of a deli case (the size of a 1/2 quart of milk) and 2. The most creeptastic toupe. Who says an ill-fitting, greasy barbie-haired mass styled into a severe comb-over isn't sexy? Especially one that slips down a sweaty forehead. Hmm...It's almost like it was trying to escape.

3. When asked this morning to make room on the train (seat), a man replied, "I didn't touch the cocaine! If a man has a stiff tongue, he can go anywhere on a woman. Now get outta here!"

4. My name is Mr. Sutton and I am a local filmmaker. I make films. I turn regular people into tiny raindrops and make them fall into strange, dark places. It's political philosophy-good for the children. With your donation of $1, you can own my dvd. Peace. Yo bitch, you don't like movies?

5. The man standing next to me (on the train) kept saying "Mmm, mmm, mmm!" I suppose he could've been referring to a women, but something tells me he was having a sexy flashback involving food.

6. A very loud and enthusiastic religious zealot on the subway platform said he loves me...he really loves me...even though I'm going to Hell. How sweet is that?!

7. How lucky am I to have been serenaded by a man wearing what I can only describe as pantaloons. Yes, they're not just for Victorian ladies anymore.

8. I love sitting next to people on the subway who are penning their manifestos. This morning's lil' non-conformist was using blue ink on white dinner napkins. I managed to make out the words dictatorship and possibly collectivise...although that might be wishful thinking.

And that's what happens on the train when I pay attention.