McDonald’s Headquarters
2111 McDonald's Dr.
Oak Brook, IL 60523
Attn: Complaints Department
Dear Sir or Madam:
I am writing to you on behalf of M.A.C.H.O. (Men Against Clowns Hamburglar O.K.) to discuss an important matter of conscience. For years, we have stood by and watched your clown, Ronald McDonald, drain the joy from our dining experience. One momentary glance of his sinister form instills a fear that cannot be measured; even the soft squeaking of his over-sized shoes extinguishes the zeal we once had for your incredibly tasty fries. We see this as a great injustice—a wrong that must be made right. It is our opinion that the only solution to this most serious issue is to reinstate the true mascot of your restaurant, The Hamburglar.
Despite Mr. McDonald’s seemingly innocent façade, his appearance belies the heart of a true monster. It is our belief that Mr. McDonald, and clowns like him, prove the existence of pure evil. My cousin Herb, our Treasurer, has been known to involuntarily call upon our Lord when confronted by Mr. McDonald’s exaggerated grin. Even more distressing, we have documented not one story, but the stories of thirteen children, who have been afflicted with the loss of their bladders in Mr. McDonald’s presence. Be assured, the irony of his picture on the outside of the "Happy Meal" is not lost on us. This assault on our youth is un-American. If you won’t listen to us, won’t you listen to the children?
In contrast, The Hamburglar exhibits all the qualities Americans have come to hold dear. In his quest for satisfaction, he demonstrates ingenuity and perseverance. He doesn’t let anyone stand in the way of a delicious burger. Some may discount him as a common thief, but we see him as an American hero. After all, taking what doesn’t belong to us and reclaiming it as our own, founded this country. If it was good enough for our forefathers, why isn’t it good enough for your fine company?
We beseech you to consider the ramifications of your actions. The country is crying out for a role model. Our value system as we know it is under attack. While we appreciate that your company bestows low-paying jobs onto our less endowed population, it isn’t enough. Your company must re-pledge its loyalty to our way of life. Remove Mr. Ronald McDonald, the leviathan, and replace him with the true bastion of hope, The Hamburglar.
Sincerely yours,
Doug Stevenson
M.A.C.H.O.
Vice President, Anti-Clown Affairs
I am writing to you on behalf of M.A.C.H.O. (Men Against Clowns Hamburglar O.K.) to discuss an important matter of conscience. For years, we have stood by and watched your clown, Ronald McDonald, drain the joy from our dining experience. One momentary glance of his sinister form instills a fear that cannot be measured; even the soft squeaking of his over-sized shoes extinguishes the zeal we once had for your incredibly tasty fries. We see this as a great injustice—a wrong that must be made right. It is our opinion that the only solution to this most serious issue is to reinstate the true mascot of your restaurant, The Hamburglar.
Despite Mr. McDonald’s seemingly innocent façade, his appearance belies the heart of a true monster. It is our belief that Mr. McDonald, and clowns like him, prove the existence of pure evil. My cousin Herb, our Treasurer, has been known to involuntarily call upon our Lord when confronted by Mr. McDonald’s exaggerated grin. Even more distressing, we have documented not one story, but the stories of thirteen children, who have been afflicted with the loss of their bladders in Mr. McDonald’s presence. Be assured, the irony of his picture on the outside of the "Happy Meal" is not lost on us. This assault on our youth is un-American. If you won’t listen to us, won’t you listen to the children?
In contrast, The Hamburglar exhibits all the qualities Americans have come to hold dear. In his quest for satisfaction, he demonstrates ingenuity and perseverance. He doesn’t let anyone stand in the way of a delicious burger. Some may discount him as a common thief, but we see him as an American hero. After all, taking what doesn’t belong to us and reclaiming it as our own, founded this country. If it was good enough for our forefathers, why isn’t it good enough for your fine company?
We beseech you to consider the ramifications of your actions. The country is crying out for a role model. Our value system as we know it is under attack. While we appreciate that your company bestows low-paying jobs onto our less endowed population, it isn’t enough. Your company must re-pledge its loyalty to our way of life. Remove Mr. Ronald McDonald, the leviathan, and replace him with the true bastion of hope, The Hamburglar.
Sincerely yours,
Doug Stevenson
M.A.C.H.O.
Vice President, Anti-Clown Affairs
