Monday, November 28, 2011

Chapter 27: Christmas Music Is Evil
It's not even December 1st yet, but my ears are already being tortured by holiday music. Christmas music, to me, is akin to religious music--neither genre has produced more than a couple of songs that are actually worth listening to--or are at least tolerable. Think about many religious songs can you name that aren't entirely stupid? For me, it's not just the phraseology of the content within the song; I'm hard-pressed to find any song in possession of a pleasantly constructed verse and melody that makes me want to sing along without giving myself an instant migraine.

I remember this gem of an example from Christian camp: "I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N, dot the i!! And I have C-H-R-I-S-T in my H-E-A-R-T, so I will live E-T-E-R-N-A-L-L...Y..." Yep; the last part doesn't even fit within the timing of the measure. But before you say, "Come on, what about Stryper!" I suggest that you first slap yourself across the face, and then go stand in the corner.  Seriously, I'll wait.

But to be fair, holiday songs are generally more unforgivably offensive (unless they also contain religious lyrics). It's not just the traditional ones that cause insane fury (Frosty the Snowman, Santa Baby, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, et cetera), but when popular music adopts this theme, it produces a hideous group of offspring. 

Let's make a list of some of the offenders who are ruining humanity...and my peace of mind:

Crime against mankind #1: "We Are The World"  is created by Quincy Jones.
Result: Sung by a bunch of poorly-dressed, misguided pop artists, and the song is destined to torment the customers of airport lounges and grocery stores. 

Crime against mankind #2: "Baby It's Cold Outside" as sung by Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.
Result: Makes children with Down Syndrome feel suicidal.

Crime against mankind #3: Blasting "I'll Be Home For Christmas" as sung by Michael McDonald.
Result: Like giving Kryptonite covered in Syphilis to Superman. 

Crime against mankind #4: "Jingle Bells" as sung by Barbara Streisand.
Result: Makes people WANT to watch Yentil, which probably makes Ms. Streisand an evil genius.

Crime against mankind #5: "Simply Have A Wonderful Christmastime" as sung by Paul McCartney.
Result: Responsible for AIDS.

Crime against mankind #6: "All I Want For Christmas Is You" as sung by Mariah Carey.
Result: The reason why some whales are nearing extinction.

Crime against mankind #7: "Yellowman Rock" as sung by Yellowman.
Result: Being an albino reggae singer isn't scary enough, apparently, so he went big, and made up a dumb reggae holiday song that even frightens hippies.

Crime against mankind #8: "Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)" as sung by John Denver.
Result: Confuses millions of southern people when children ask that J.D. be given to their booze-guzzling fathers.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. 

And just to scare the crap out of you, here's a little song called "There's No One Quite Like Grandma by St Winifred’s School Choir. Can anyone say, "Village of the Damned?"

And finally, if you think I'm overstating the silliness of religious music, I dare you to listen to "Millennium Prayer" by Cliff Richard

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