Chapter 15: You got a card for that?

It occurs to me that I am not properly represented in the greeting card world. I'm sure I can't be the only one out there who either cringes when they read a poorly written sappy card or struggles to suppress the bile rising in the back of their throat when they read a crude or rather unfunny card. Just who are they marketing to?

Not so long ago, I was trying to pick out a card for my mother. First of all, why are most of the "Mom" cards penned in cursive? Is there a word count requirement, because every card has at least three paragraphs written inside it. The outside of the card looks like the jacket of a Jackie Collins book, while the inside looks to be taken from the pages of a fundamendalist pamplet or that horrible "Footprints in the Sand" poem. It's inappropriate.

 But I'm not knocking the religious cards at all. One year, my dear friend Jody, whose initials just happen to be J.E.W., gave me the all-time greatest card in the world. I don't remember the contents, but the outside of the card said, "To my favorite Nun..."

It got me thinking, which prompted me to seek out and eat a chocolate crossiant. Ok, maybe I ate two. But after that, I wondered what it might be like to go to the drugstore and purchase more relevant and modern greeting cards. You know, the kind of cards that would address today's human condition. The kind that wouldn't leave out most of us, the disenfranchised. And let's not forget the people who just have it coming to them. I imagine a more politically incorrect world. A world where you can call someone out, but then passive-agressively blame it on a foldable piece of cardstock we call...a greeting card.

Coming soon to an Urban Outfitters near you.